The super-secret code name of Trump’s ‘super-duper missile’ is … Donald Trump | Richard Wolffe

Last month, Donald Trump blabbed his mouth about a brand new, top-secret weapon in front of own gobsmacked military leaders.

“I call it the super-duper missile,” he blurted, displaying all he’s learned in three and a half years as the commander-in-chief of the world’s greatest fighting force. “And I heard the other night, 17 times faster than what they have right now.”

By the powers of deduction, we can now reveal the super-secret code name of this most awesome missile, capable of delivering the swiftest possible destructive power to the highest value targets. Its name is Donald Trump.

For the last several years, the Trump administration has declared in no uncertain terms that China is its greatest enemy. Back when he was running for president, about a century ago, Trump said that China was “raping our country” with trade and currency policies that he called “the greatest theft in the history of the world”.

Say what you like about his mastery of national security, but Trump is something of an expert in heists. At least when it comes to foundations and universities.

This is not a new obsession. Consistency may be the hobgoblin of little minds, but it is the magic orb of little strongmen. “No surprise that China was caught cheating in the Olympics,” he tweeted eight years ago. “That’s the Chinese MO – Lie, Cheat & Steal in all international dealings.”

Seriously. Is there anything worse than lying and cheating in international dealings?

And so our great populist president looked out for the little guy by launching a massive trade war with China to teach Beijing a thing or two about all that thieving and cheating.

There were tariffs that cost American importers $48bn and about 300,000 jobs. There were farming subsidies that cost American taxpayers $28bn.

But it was so worth it because Trump was standing tough and the Chinese would surely crumble. After all, according to Trump, the Chinese were paying the tariffs. Just like the Mexicans were paying for the border wall.

Then came the pandemic, or the Chinese virus, as Trump preferred to call it. Maybe it came from a Chinese government lab, or maybe the Chinese had corrupted the World Health Organization.

You may have gotten the unfortunate impression from all this that China was some kind of enemy for Trump. You may have noticed the Trump campaign gearing up for a titanic struggle to paint Joe Biden as being weak on China, probably because of some self-interested dealings with Beijing.

Blame China seemed like the only strategy left for a campaign laid low by a catastrophically mismanaged pandemic and historic recession. One pro-Trump group even spent $10m on a TV ad last month called “Beijing Biden”.

Then, just as it was all coming together so nicely, a super-duper missile dumped its payload faster than a president can run down the last 10ft of an astonishingly steep ramp.

As recently as a year ago, our strongly anti-China president was – to use the diplomatic term of art – sucking up to Xi Jinping.

“You’re the greatest Chinese leader in 300 years!” he told his great adversary in one of those epic face-offs about the trade war he had launched so strongly. A few minutes later, he upgraded Xi to “the greatest leader in Chinese history”.

What on earth could possibly trigger this stealth attack by the Trumpahawk missile on something so precious and permanent as Trump’s loathing of Chinese power?

You may be surprised to hear this. It could shake your beliefs to their core. But apparently “America first” takes second place to “Trump first”.

“He stressed the importance of farmers, and increased Chinese purchases of soybeans and wheat in the electoral outcome,” wrote John Bolton, Trump’s former national security adviser, in the book the Trump administration is doing its best to publicize by trying to stop its publication.

“I would print Trump’s exact words but the government’s prepublication review process has decided otherwise.”

This conversation took place at the G20 summit in Japan, just one month before a certain fateful call to the Ukraine president asking for a similar deal to mess with this year’s election. A quid pro quo sounds a bit cheap for a deal that cost America at least $76bn.

Seriously. Is there anything worse than lying and cheating in international dealings?

In his flop sweat for a deal, the leader of the free world told his Chinese foe that it was fine and dandy to build concentration camps for Muslim Uighurs. It’s debatable whether that’s more or less shocking than his offer to Turkey’s president, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, to drop legal proceedings for breaking the sanctions against Iran.

Those are the sanctions that Trump has made even more severe than the “very severe” ones he was willing to help his Turkish friend dodge.

Thanks to Bolton, we now know that Trump thought Finland was part of Russia and that invading Venezuela would be cool because it was really part of the United States. He also had no idea that Britain was a nuclear power, which is a truly special way to treat the special relationship.

To be clear, John Bolton is no hero in this whistleblowing account entitled, with all due modesty, The Room Where It Happened.

Bolton is merely the ferret-in-chief in this sack of fighting predators. He was Dick Cheney’s plant inside Colin Powell’s state department, manipulating the deep state apparatus for his own warmongering goals.

Now he has turned his finely-tuned chest-stabbing skills into a best-selling book while somehow neglecting to dish to the Congress during this thing called impeachment. His lawyer said the House needed to sue to get him to testify, but his publishers just wrote him a $2m contract to get the same result.

Stupid Democrats. They committed what Bolton calls “impeachment malpractice” by not offering him $3m to serve the nation.

It’s a remarkable coincidence how many of Trump’s most senior aides have the lowest possible opinion about his patriotism, competence, and whether he is even compos mentis. At some point, you have to wonder if Trump isn’t, as some have retweeted, “arguably the greatest president in our history.”

Maybe, just maybe, this super-duper missile will self-destruct in the next five months.